Falling in love

We’re going to pretend like I have not dropped the ball and abandoned my Substack for the last 6 months.

I have fallen in love— and this time, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. So I need everyone to clear out of my DMs, please. I am basically engaged to be married so spread the news: Picky Nikki is OFF le bon marché! I am no longer available. And if this doesn’t work out, I will simply resign to the life of an old maid. If not this, then nothing. May sound brash and dramatic but that’s how I feel.

In an August PN I wrote:

Either way, I have officially decided that I’m giving up on trying to date. At least in Montreal. I keep saying that actually and then, I don’t. That’s because I’m a Scorpio and therefore a true romantic.

And I met the love of my life 2 weeks later. That’s kinda crazy actually. I forgot I wrote that.

I don’t remember if I wrote this in a PN or if I just thought it or if I wrote it in my diary (I certainly did) OR if I just PUNIshed all my friends with musings on it for weeks but, I specifically recall making a conscious decision, at some point, probably after the dumbest ‘breakup’ in the world (I wouldn’t even call it a breakup actually because I wouldn’t even say that we were together but, ANywaY whatever I diGRESS), to tell every potential suitor that I am done living in Montreal and I’m going to leave in the next few years. It was a conscious decision because, it had also been a conscious decision to leave that out so as not to scare anyone away or lose an ‘opportunity’ with someone on account of me leaving eventually. And I realized by leaving that out I was compromising on what I wanted in my life to accommodate someone I don’t even know. I guess put plainly: If I met someone I thought was dateable, I would have reconsidered all my life dreams and goals if that person had no intention of leaving Montreal. And how ridiculous is that? So at some point, a LIGHT went on and I said to myself: I am leaving. If I scare someone away by saying that, then that person was not for me. I let destiny guide me. I repeated to myself every day that if something didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, it was because it was not for me. And THAT, is the most important lesson I’ve taught myself all year. Maybe in all my life…

And, naturally, I’ve now become that annoying girl who is in a relationship telling all her single friends every cliché there is about “finding love”

But, actually, maybe not. When I met the LOML we talked about our attitude towards love and a partner. In those conversations, I felt so sure of myself in a way I never had before. The thought that if he didn’t like something about me then he was not for me (no matter how badly I wanted him) trailed in my mind the whole way long. I could have said anything. And I most certainly did. I didn’t hold back or edit things about myself and my life or how I see things to try to preserve an image of myself that was malleable. Either he was going to like me or he wasn’t and I had to be okay with either outcome. That is not to say I did not put my best foot forward, because I did but, I was very clear on what I wanted in a relationship and that was someone who liked me and treated me well and who also knew exactly what they wanted. And in turn, he inspired me to be myself but, in a way that was more elegant and more poised and more thoughtful and just… all the things I always wanted to be. And I guess that’s what it means to be loved.

They say that when you turn 30 you learn all this stuff about yourself and you become someone who ‘knows what they want’. I don’t know if it was turning 30, maybe it was because everyone knows I believe wholeheartedly in astrology so I will not disrespect my Saturn return. But, this year has been so transformative for me. I am becoming someone that I feel proud of and more and more comfortable with. I have gotten back some of the determination and ambition that I thought I lost somewhere. Maybe I was lost. NOW I’M FOUND 🥰🤪 lol. I’m joking but, only slightly.

But, what I really want to say about falling in love is that the clichés are true and what the girls on Instagram are telling you is also true. If he wanted to, he would. If you think he’s cheating, he is. If your intuition is telling you something, you’re right, even if you don’t know exactly what it’s about. You might not find out right away, but you will later. If you feel like you need to check his phone, it’s because you do. Don’t compromise on what you want for someone, and if you don’t know what it is that you want, you should spend some time figuring that out.

I spat some crazy wizdom to a fabulous friend of mine a few weeks ago that has actually stayed with me because I felt like I was onto something. She was telling me about this guy she seemed to find very thrilling but, she was at a fragile and vulnerable place and was afraid he was going to do something (btw, HE DID) to hurt her in a way she felt she couldn’t afford. I told her, that if he really liked her, she could make it almost impossible to be with her and he would still try. And I think that’s the exact mindset every girl should have. Because IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD!!!! And if he’s not, it’s because he DOESN’T WANT to. and He isn’t going to TELL you the thing you don’t want to hear because he doesn’t want to HURT your feelings or doesn’t know HOW and even if YOU SAY, “I won’t be hurt” and “I just want to know” HE still won’t tell you anything! Because he LIKES to keep you in limbo. He wants to have options. And btw, you are not in charge. Men lead. Even if they do it in a beta way. THey know that they are the ones who initiate. I’m not saying you don’t have agency or control, but you react to him. And if you’re not, if you’re the one who is initiating, then, it is my belief, that you are never going to be happy or satisfied in that relationship because you have just selected a lazy man. If he seems like a bad guy, who’s not serious about you or anything in his life then it’s because he is a bad guy who’s not serious about you or anything in his life. And even if you are ‘not looking for a boyfriend’ and are ‘just entertaining something casual’ you still deserve to be treated with respect. And for a long time I didn’t know what that meant. But, your situationship should not be treating you any worse than how your friends treat you. ANd I’m sorry, maybe it’s just me, but if I make plans with a friend and they bail at the last minute, that’s jail. If I text my friend and they don’t respond and when they do, they don’t seem interested that’s JAIL. If my friend refuses to go out in public with me or doesn’t call me their friend when people ask or discreetly ditches me while out That is JAIL!!

ANyway that’s my rant and life update. I hope you had fun. I will come back with a wishlist-type stack soon… I hope next week. Because I’m aggressively overdue and I do feel bad about it. But like I said, I’m in love! Sorry!

xoxo,

Nikki 💋